How being a control freak is hurting your relationship (and how to turn it around)
I’ve been pretty open about my journey from 'control freak' to 'queen of surrender' (always in-training!), but what I haven’t shared as openly is where this whole journey started. I didn’t just wake up one day and think "shit, I really need to stop future-tripping and trying to control everything in my life". Instead, my suffocating grip on how things should be and what may or may not happen in the future, became intensely obvious to me when I realised how much an old story from my past that I was holding on to was keeping me stuck in fear – so much so that I was unable to truly give myself completely to the person I loved the most. My fear kept me in a state of worry, anxiety and panic as I anticipated my own future unfolding in a familiar pattern to that of my past, and I desperately tried to control as much as possible in my present life, because I felt so out of control of my future. And it wasn't until I worked through this with my own coach, that I realised how much I was constantly stuck in my masculine energy, trying to control every outcome, plan every detail and resisting letting go. I'm grateful to have an incredible partner who gave me the space and love to figure this all out at the time, and I love him today even more so for it.
When fear, limiting beliefs or past experiences keep reminding us of how fragile, powerless and vulnerable we are to what lies ahead and all that the universe can throw at us, our first instinct as human beings is to grab onto everything that we can control and exercise our authority over. We strive to regain our power, remind ourselves that we do have a say over what happens to us, and we consciously or not, channel all of our energy into keeping that grip of ours tight and sealed.
We keep our shit together, stand strong, and claim that nothing can break us. When deep down, we’re shit scared of what’s to come.
And whilst your fears, limiting beliefs and past stories might relate to an entirely different part of your life, I can assure you that it is when you are with those you love the most (and can’t bare to lose) that these controlling, anxious and strong-arming tendencies play out the most (and often with the most painful consequences). And in the interest of helping you live out the most authentic, enlivening and loving relationships (that you are worthy of), I want to help you by shining a light on one way your seemingly ‘harmless’ controlling tendencies might be hurting your relationship. And most importantly, what you can do right now to turn it around and start loving with even more of your heart.
The problem: Your fear, control and need to ‘make this life your bitch’ is holding you in your masculine energy, and therefore he can’t fully be in his.
Maybe you’ve started to notice that your libido is low. Or you’re more often that not just too tired for intimacy. Maybe you find yourself wanting your man to step up a little more and make some more decisions, so you can finally feel OK with letting go of certain tasks and responsibilities. Maybe you’ve noticed yourself diving in and trying to fix everything and anything in the relationship, so often that you’re left confused, tired and frustrated that your partner isn't doing it all instead.
All of the above are consequences of women showing up in their relationships in their masculine energy.
So, what is our masculine energy?
Well, both men and women have both feminine and masculine energy. Whilst everyone expresses their feminine and masculine energy in different ways, our masculine energy tends to be the rational part of us that likes order, control, structure and action. Our masculine nails it in a boardroom, keeps us accountable and moving forward, and gives us the boundaries we need to thrive. Our feminine energy on the other hand is the more irrational part of us that is connected in to how we feel, and embraces trust, surrender, openness and vulnerability. She is also the part of us that births creativity, desire and play, and harnesses the power of our intuition. Where the masculine uses the mind and strives to solve problems, the feminine within us connects in with the heart and asks us to tap into how something makes us feel. Where the masculine aims to penetrate life with force and effort, the feminine embraces the act of receiving from a place of safety, trust and openness.
So when we are walking around trying to control everything that we can, in fear of what we cannot, we are showing up in the world and in our relationships heavily seated in our masculine energy. Our minds are dialed up high, forever contemplating our next move, and we can sometimes find ourselves dealing with 'paralysis by analysis'. We’re on a mission, and we’re dead set on acting on it. Which means desire, play, creativity, trust (in both our partner and life) and being vulnerable – all of which are imperative to a fulfilling relationship – all fall to the side, as you show up in your relationship essentially taking his place at the table.
The masculine energy loves to solve problems. It loves to fix things, create order and make sense of situations. But if we are wearing the pants, swooping in and solving all the 'problems' in the relationship (and by problem I even mean; the chores, bills, cooking, looking after the kids, etc), because we are not comfortable in our feminine enough to trust, let go of the 'need' to control every detail of these things, and approach life with a little more play, then the men in our lives don't have anything solve.
My coach once mentioned to me..
"Men thrive in being able to provide, protect and procreate."
As the women, if we are keeping them from contributing to the relationship in this way over and over again, how can we expect them to thrive in their own masculine energy?
Not only does this leave him without the space to be strong in his own masculine energy, but it can slowly tether at your connection to your own wild and wonderful feminine; the vibrant woman inside you that wants pleasure, love, play and desire. As women, we are powerful beyond measure. But in order to be so, we need to understand the significance of having a balance of both feminine and masculine energy. The masculine can rock the world at work, but the feminine needs space to dance at home. And when your beliefs and thoughts are keeping you wired up, and strong arming every variable factor of your life, it’s even harder to let go and surrender when your relationship needs it.
So how can we start to turn it around?
By re-connecting with our feminine. By learning once again how to trust, open ourselves up to vulnerability, embrace a life of unlimited uncertainties, and do so with a smile on our face. By igniting the wild woman inside who never gets to play enough, and tapping back into our creativity. By experimenting with what it feels like to completely let go, without losing everything you have ever worked for and loved. By empowering our men to stand strong in their masculine. By being surrounded by like-minded women who too are practicing awakening their feminine on a daily basis, and who remind you of how amazing it feels to be a woman.
This and so much more is exactly what I will be teaching in my upcoming online workshop, ‘Fiercely Feminine and Free’. Together with an online community of like-minded women, you will be guided through 6 weeks of reconnecting with desire, trust, freedom and intuition to help put back the spark in your relationships, health and wellbeing, career, life and most importantly, into the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re ready to start having a play with what re-connecting with your feminine might mean for you, and you’re devoted to start feeling Fiercely Feminine and Free, join the VIP list to hear about the course first when it launches in a couple of weeks, as well as receive special discounted offers and bonuses not shared anywhere else.
Now, over to you. I want to know – Are you a self-confessed control freak like me? Are you dancing in your masculine more than you’d like? Share a comment with me below and join the hundred of women that are right there with you!